This time next week, the bride to be and us hens will have touched down in Marbella ready for a fun-filled few days of sun, cocktails and party games. We all prepare differently for being in a bikini but typically, I leave ‘preparation’ until about 4 weeks before the holiday. Evidently not enough time but if that wasn’t bad enough, in the first week I’ll go to the gym and eat well but then I go bat shit crazy and literally start eating everything in sight. I seem to find myself in panic mode and this leads to an eating frenzy, where I sample every takeaway the town has to offer. Don’t worry, it doesn’t make much sense to me either.
This time round however, in preparation for my first holiday since starting with Rog, I haven’t been panic eating. I really haven’t wanted to undo the hard work I started last November but my thoughts about going away haven’t been any different. How will I feel in a bikini? Will I wish I’d have worked harder? Will it be enough? All these thoughts, plus the day to day pressure of work and uni, has quite literally send me dizzy! For the last week or so I’ve felt as if I’ve been on the waltzers at the fair ground. Bloody awful feeling and no amount of talking sensibly to myself seemed to snap me out of it. I’m okay now but it did get me thinking…
Why would I get myself into a state where I feel physically unwell just because I have to be in a bikini?! I think what has worried me the most is that because I’ve been posting ‘progress photos’ on my blog, people may be expecting me to be smaller than I am. When I discussed this worry with my friend, the bride to be, she told me that had also been feeling the dreaded bikini anxiety. I told her she looked great, she told me I did. Our conversation led me to conclude that not one of the 23 women there will give a flying fanny about what I look like in a bikini! Why?! Because the only thing they will care about (if they’re as vain as me) is how they will look themselves. No one gives a stuff if someone has a size 8 or 18 arse as they’re too busy worrying about their own lumps and bumps to care!
I’ve had a serious word and reminded myself of the following; I have lost over a stone in weight and have made some massive changes to my lifestyle and diet. Not only have I have shed a lot of flab and toned up, I’ve also got rid of a lot of cellulite on my legs from drinking more water and ditching the Diet Coke. If this wasn’t enough to be proud of, I also FEEL better! I don’t look in the mirror and count my back flab rolls and I don’t hate my reflection. The biggest thing I told myself? Get the FCUK over yourself and start focusing on what matters! Be a decent person and enjoy making memories. I think I sometimes forget that habits come in all forms; eating, exercising, lifestyle but also the way we think about ourselves. I have often put so much emphasis on the way I feel about my physical appearance that I fail to see it as the habit it is. As all habits can be broken, I just need to give myself a nudge from time to time.
The final thing I’m realising? If I’m on this journey to get recognition from others, I might as well give up now. This has to be about how I feel about myself. It’s not about being complimented by others, although of course it’s always nice when someone notices your hard work paying off. The important thing is being able to say ‘I am enough’ and meaning it wholeheartedly. I know that this particular habit will take much longer to get right but I’m aware of it and I’m working on it. So if there’s anyone out there worrying about getting into a bikini or how you’ll feel once it’s on, sod it. It may cause dizziness and it may also detract from what really matters in life; the experience.