This time 12 months ago, I was reflecting on 2014 and putting thought to what I wanted the year ahead to look like. I remember spending a lot of time thinking (and talking) about how I wanted my 30’s to be different. I didn’t want to continue moaning about the way I looked, how big my thighs were or how unstylish my wardrobe was. I convinced myself that if I changed enough on the outside, I’d be happier on the inside and so off I went trying to ‘fix’ a number of things that I wasn’t happy with. Unfortunately, it didn’t make me feel any better about myself and I remained stuck in a rut with the same negative thought process.
Fast forward to this very moment. I feel happy, confident and content. What’s changed? Nothing in some respects but everything in others. I’m a stone down on the scales but the biggest change is that I don’t feel that I have to look different to be happy anymore. I’m starting to accept myself just the way I am. Who’d have thought it?! I’m fully aware that placing so much emphasis on appearance probably sounds very shallow but I allowed my weight to consume so much of my life for so long. What I have learnt is that happiness really is an inside out job. I feel as though it has taken me forever to get to this point but all that matters is that I’m ‘there’; not every day, but certainly most. I know that I am more than a number on the scales and a label in the back of my jeans.
I think I’ve always been extremely self critical, even from a young age. I remember being in School and wishing I was more than friends with the popular boys, wishing my hair was blonde and not ginger (there, I said it) and wishing I cared about wearing make-up as much as some of my friends did. Even in my 20’s, I wished to be different. I wished too often that I had slimmer legs and wholeheartedly believed that if I looked as pretty as my friends did, I might not always be going home on my own with a kebab!
I feel really sad thinking about how much time I’ve wasted wishing to be something or someone else. I also feel sad that so many people I know have wished that they could change something about themselves too, thinking like I did, that if they were a bit slimmer or their arms didn’t wobble as much, they would be happier. How sad that we aren’t embracing every inch of who we are and accepting that our imperfections are what makes us so unique and individual.
When I think about my New Years resolutions for the year ahead, for once, they don’t involve me feeling the need to change anything about myself. This year, I’m simply going to promise to be kind to myself. I say that tongue in cheek because we all know that it isn’t simple to do, but like anything, it gets easier with practice. Mission ‘get rid of the chub rub’ is firmly on but not because I need to lose weight to feel happy or worthy, but because there is still serious risk of a fire starting down there when I run. I hope everyone who takes the time to read this can also make a promise to be more kind to themselves. After all, there is only one of us, so why the hell would we wish to be any different?!
Here’s to 2016. Let it be amazing! xxx